Pedo Fairies and Sexual Innuendoes
by yamigoddesslj
Summary: Let me start by saying I love Disney. Be that as it may, this REQUEST fic has Disney bashing in it. Ryou and Bakura are watching Cinderella, and Bakura has no clue what the heck's going on in the film anyway. Rated for language and bashing of Cindy.


Pedo Fairies and Sexual Innuendoes

A/N: Largely dialogue-based, but funny. Bakura REALLY doesn't get Disney. I never realized how hard it is to explain it anyway…

Disclaimer: Don't kill me for bashing Cinderella! Please! I love Cindy, I do! I don't own any of it, btw.

LET ME REITERATE THAT THERE IS BASHING OF DISNEY IN THIS FIC. BAKURA DOES NOT LIKE CINDERELLA. AT. ALL. I LOVE THAT MOVIE! DO. NOT. FLAME. ME. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED THREE TIMES NOW!

* * *

"Wait, wait, _wait._ So…let me get this straight. Stepmothers are, by default, evil?"

"Yes, 'Kura, that's why they're _evil_ stepmothers." Bakura crossed his arms, staring down his hikari.

"So. In this ridiculous movie, the stepmother is the bad guy." Ryou nodded, hoping a nice smile might calm Bakura's freakout over the Disney movie. "So, if all stepmothers are evil. Say you meet this really nice lady on the street, and you start talking, and it turns out she's remarried to a guy with kids, but you really like her, because she's…nice. She's an evil stepmother?"

Ryou's face hit his palm with an audible smack. He played the movie from where it was paused. Bakura was making this experience painful. He'd just wanted to watch *Cinderella* in relative peace. But his dark half _had_ to get in on the fun.

"Holy fuck, the mice are _singing_!" But he could not leave it there. "I am _appalled_, Ryou! Not only are all stepmothers fucking evil, but all mice can-sing?" It came out a little strangled. "And scullery maids as heroines? Really, now?" Ryou put his hand on his yami's shoulder reassuringly.

"'Kura-kun, you're just supposed to go with it. It's Disney." Bakura scowled at the television, where something was dancing. Bakura groaned again, and Ryou knew another rant of misunderstanding was on the verge.

"Okaaaay, I don't get why only the heroine, Salmonella or whatever her name is-"

"Cinderella, yami…"

"I don't care, she can be Jeffree-fucking-Star and I'll still hate her. That says a lot. I hold him in high regard." He shook his head a little as he got back on track. "She doesn't have any kind of accent! But almost, if not _everyone_ else does!" Ryou stroked his yami's arm lightly as he laughed, trying to come up with an explanation for that one.

"I don't know about that, 'Kura."

"Also, why is everyone except for Prince Pansy and Salmonella ugly? All the good guys are obviously good, and the bad guys are ugly." Bakura almost managed a pout. Almost. "I'm a bad guy. Therefore, in a Disney movie, I'm ugly. That makes you pretty and me ugly, and I'd kill you all before I let that happen. I think we both get to be pretty."

His yami fell silent, and Ryou smiled at Bakura's intense focus on the movie. Unconsciously, he brushed his fingertips down the side of his yami's face that was turned to him, shaking his head dismissively as his yami turned to him. The remote pointed at the TV. Again. Pausing the movie. Again.

"What the living hell is a fairy godmother?" A pause. "The fat fairy in the blue dress. What _is_ she and why does she have a fetish for the scullery maid's clothes? And, for that matter, why do those mice?* And why does she talk to them?" Ryou crossed his legs Indian-style on the couch, facing his yami with a patient face.

"A fairy godmother is…" His eyes lit up. "She's someone who protects you! She wants you to be happy, but she's not your lover, she's just like a nice old grandma with magic."

"So she's like Yami?**" Ryou frowned in the hikari-way that never threatened, but got a collective 'awww' from whatever room they happened to be in.

"No, 'Kura, that's mean. I thought we were working on that, 'Kura-kun." Bakura crossed his arms again and tried to look haughty. His hikari's eyes grew bigger and bigger, and the cuteness melted him.

"Fine, not like Yami. Alright, she's a pedo fairy." Ryou rolled his eyes. "So the pedo fairy sucks bad. She's trying to use…what's this bibbity-bobbity-shit? It's no spell I've ever heard of."

"It's not in a dead language because little kids don't like dead languages."

"So you're a little kid?" Be patient with the ancient thief, Ryou reminded himself.

"The movie is geared toward little kids, 'Kura, but everyone watches Disney." Bakura groaned.

"Alright, so the pedo fairy who can't speak Latin is undressing and redressing the scullery maid so she can go to this…ball, which is another word for dance, and not a sexual innuendo, and meet this Prince Pansy." Ryou hesitated before nodding. "Now, what are the odds he'll like her anyway?" Ryou sighed.

"It's true love, yami."

"And how the _hell_ is she gonna be the prettiest? Is pedo-fairy casting a glamour on her?***" Ryou took his yami's face in both hands.

"How am I the prettiest?" One eyebrow raised. "See? It's like that." He let go of his yami's face, playing the movie again.

It seemed like only an instant later.

"It's a fucking pumpkin. Those are some kind of animal. There are physical laws to obey here! You can't take something like that and make it something else just-poof! There's a price! Always, there's a price! Holy fuck!" And then… "Okay, the bitch lost her shoe, and she's still running? Any decent drag queen'll tell you that you ain't supposed to run in one heel, honey!" he yelled at the TV. "Oh, right, Prince Pansy, just pick up the anonymous shoe. That could be contaminated for all the ass knows." He looked at Ryou.

"Alright, sorry to tell you this, but if I fell madly in love with you and you lost a sneaker at some club, I would not be picking up the shoe and asking everyone around if it was theirs. I'd have noticed your shoes in the first place. Who wears _glass shoes_? That's fucking ridiculous!"

"Yami, it's supposed to be romantic!"

"And she didn't even tell him where she lived? And he didn't use any good lines on her. What are they going on, eye-fucking? You can't tell everything about a person from a dance!"

"Yami, it's _true love_."

And even later…

"And, in conclusion, people…" the dark half said in the voice of an American news broadcaster. "Love is stupid, pedo fairies are good, and sexual innuendoes will rule the world." He made a grand sweeping gesture around the den, to his imaginary audience. There was one person in the room, whose arms were crossed, one eyebrow raised. "The filmmakers were all on Vicodin and acid during the making of this movie! Thank you! Thank you!" Bows. Ryou laughed as he put down the camcorder. He'd told Bakura that it was a device to purify the air or something, and Bakura had eaten it up.

"This is going straight onto Youtube!"

Ryou was not seen or heard from for three weeks. The video got 67, 396 view the first day.

A/N: Request fic from my friend! She hates Disney Princess movies in general, and I thought, hey, it's early in the morning, and I need entertainment. So…this happened.

* 'cause an ugly prostitute doesn't make as much as a pretty one. She talks to them because they pimp her out.

** yes, exactly like Yami.

*** obviously so, because what are the odds that she's the absolute most gorgeous gal on the planet? Really.


End file.
